Let’s get one thing straight: you don’t have to wake up at 5AM, drink moon water, and journal for 45 minutes to have a morning routine that sets the tone for the day. Some mornings you wake up feeling like Beyoncé, and some mornings you wake up with toothpaste in your hair. Both are valid.
This is for the women who want to feel like that bitch before 9AM—even if they hit snooze twice and accidentally wore their shirt inside out.
So here it is: your no-bullshit, 10-minute, bad bitch morning routine.
⏰ Minute 1-2: Open Your Eyes & Reclaim the Narrative
Instead of doomscrolling or reading a Slack notification that makes you instantly want to quit your job, take a second to check in with yourself. One deep breath. One intention. One middle finger to the patriarchy.
Try this affirmation:
"I am not available for anyone’s bullshit today."
Repeat as needed.
🚿 Minute 3-5: Take the Damn Shower (with a Steamer)
Pop a shower steamer in the corner of your shower and breathe in like it’s sage and you’re banishing demons. Whether you go with Bitch Relax (lavender mint) or Bad Bitch Energy (grapefruit), this is your 2-minute aromatherapy moment to shift into main character mode.
No time to shave. No time to deep condition. Doesn’t matter. You’re still hot.
💦 Minute 6: Slather Yourself in Confidence
You don’t need a 12-step skincare routine. You need lotion that makes you feel like a goddess who would charge extra for her time. We recommend:
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"Fucking Exhausted" (Black Currant Rose) for the hungover hustler
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"Ray of Fucking Sunshine" (Lemon Verbena) for fake-it-til-you-make-it energy
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"Zero Fucks Given" (Vanilla Pomegranate) for don’t-even-look-at-me vibes
Hydrate your skin. Smell amazing. Glare at your reflection like you’re about to take over the world.
💄 Minute 7-8: One Thing That Makes You Feel Hot
Mascara. A red lip. A spritz of Exhale the Bullshit eucalyptus spray. Choose one. That’s it. You don’t have to do it all. Just one little thing that says, “Yes, I showed up—and I’m not fucking around.”
☕️ Minute 9-10: Caffeinate & Conquer
Coffee, matcha, or chaotic iced tea from yesterday—whatever it is, grab it like a weapon. Bonus points if you have a mug that says something like “World’s Okayest Employee.”
Cue the playlist. Bad Girls by M.I.A. or 7 Rings by Ariana. Whatever gets your blood pumping and your attitude upright.
Optional Add-On: Block the Bullshit
Still got 30 seconds? Set up your day with a boundary:
Turn off notifications
Light a candle
Text “no” to someone who deserves it
You’ve done enough. You are enough. Now go be the problem in someone’s inbox.
Final Takeaway
You don’t need more time. You need more intention. Your morning doesn’t have to look like a Pinterest post to be powerful. Sometimes, just getting out of bed and showing up with a little scent, a little shimmer, and a lot of don’t-fuck-with-me energy is enough.
Now go forth and conquer. Or at least don’t cry in your car today. That’s the vibe.
Shop the products mentioned and build your own bad bitch morning ritual.